My Best First Date was with Myself

I have a confession; I lied. The first blog entry is not the most difficult. The second one is. After the excitement and genius of whatever idea you've had wears off and the reality of what you're doing sets in, it gets a little scary. And by 'a little scary', I mean that I've read two books, worked out, made several dinners, caught up on work and started other projects in order to avoid writing this entry. And this one is going to be cake compared to next time... This one is my first real foray into my journey. My first date. No pressure.

My cousin made this for me. She asked me, 'What color best represents a strong, independent woman?' and I said 'well, my power stilettos are mint.' And the statement on the ecard is true! It was the best first date I had ever been on!

It started out pretty awkwardly. I sat down at a high top in the bar and the hostess brought two menus. I had to let her know that it would just be me this evening, and I got my first (and certainly not my last) confused look as she walked away with her extra menu. I explained again to my (awesome) server that no, the hostess didn't forget to leave a menu for my guest, because I was my guest. And even though I'm Dating Myself, I still only need the one menu.

I put my phone away, (it's rude to be on your phone on a date) and forced myself to look around, take it in, think quietly. My first drink came and I was grateful I had something to do with my hands as I'd made awkward eye contact with several patrons I'd been 'people watching' and was starting to feel like a creeper. Halfway through my drink, something hit me. Something big.

I realized that I could take my time. Take my time with the drink, take my time with the appetizer. There was no sweating the menu prices or rushing to pick something low maintenance. If I saw it on the menu, I ordered it. No questions. Did I want another drink? Why, yes I did! I didn't have to worry about getting sloppy, I already knew I was going home with me!

I was thoroughly enjoying my revelation concerning the little date nuances that we don't really think about until we don't have to anymore, when I reached my favorite one yet; That garlic garnish for my tuna? I could eat that. Know why? I wasn't going to be kissing anyone or laughing uproariously at their jokes or giggling cutely by their ears. I began carefully constructing each bite with green onions and sesame seeds. I ate the food like it was supposed to be eaten, and it was positively succulent.

So far I'd experienced food like I never could with another person. I'd taken my time, enjoyed anything and everything I wanted without regards to pricing or the way it made me look, and I hadn't even gotten the dessert menu yet! I had focused on the food and not on a conversation or how my hair looked or was I sounding clever enough. I ordered dessert! I was so much more comfortable by myself, sitting alone, in the bar area of a high volume restaurant on a Friday night than I ever had been on a date. So much so, that when that first bite of my indescribable ice cream hit my lips, I closed my eyes, rocked my head back and said an audible 'mmmmmmmm!' through my big, smile. Every bite I did that, or some variation. I didn't have to just nod my head and agree 'yes, this is amazing, isn't it?'. No, I could do a tiny happy dance after every single bite if I wanted. And I did.

Before I left, a manager came by and asked me if I would like to play a game. 'Absolutely!' (clearly the girl sitting alone at the bar would like to play a game. Any game as long as she didn't accidentally lock eyes with the woman who somehow always happened to be scanning the room at the exact same time.) The manager set an envelope down on my table and said, 'Inside this envelope is a present for you. But the game is, you cannot open it until you get home.' and off she went. She doesn't know that I was struggling with trying to be secure with myself. But that gesture helped bring me to a point that I could truly enjoy the people around me, even if I wasn't interacting with them. And I could have fun, even by myself, as long as I kept myself open to it.

Day 1 (But Really Day 4)

The first post of a blog you feel passionate about is always the hardest. I have to be objective and realize the way that all of my ideas are swimming around in my head is decidedly not the way to put them to the world. They are erratic, sporadic and, let's be honest, completely incomprehensible. No; I need to organize my thoughts for anyone most unfortunate enough to read them. I need to organize my thoughts for you, should you choose to digest them. And I truly hope you do because I'm going to need some help with this one. I'm going to need some accountability. Writing in my journal doesn't do that, and it cramps my hand. But a blog? My fingers are rejoicing at the thought!

This is me. I'm 24 years old, my bangs are growing out and that jacket is actually a salmon color. I have my septum pierced, I work for my dad in Houston, Texas, and this is The Year I Dated Myself.

I've had many goals lately. Mostly those involving getting into shape, picking up hobbies, eating healthier. But last night I realized I was doing all of those things, making all of those things my goals (or resolutions, if you will) because I wanted to be more interesting. I am so one dimensional, I've even bored myself. But I don't want to become un-boring just in time for some guy to reap all of the benefits! I don't want to improve Ashley, hone her, sharpen her and mold her just to have zero alone time with her! Oh no.

No, I am going to reward myself, with myself. I am going to do all of the things I wanted to do with my exes. I'm going to do for myself, all of the things I wanted them to do. Because why have a significant other do for you the things you've never even done for yourself? Why should I expect him to buy me flowers if I've never bought them for myself? If I deserve a fun date, I'm going to take myself on a fun date whether I have a boyfriend or not.

This is my journey to myself. I want to have a crush on myself, then spend more time doing the cute things people say they like doing on their online dating profiles. Then, I want to really like myself. I want to enjoy spending time alone, with myself. Then I want to realize that a day without me, the real me, would be a sad and lonely day. Then I want to learn new skills and have long walks on the beach with myself until the undefinable, indescribably yet completely tangible moment that I fall in love with myself. This is the year that I become good enough for me. This is the year that I prove to me that I deserve the sweet things in life.

This is: The Year I Dated Myself